I am not sure how to write this, but it seems to me worthwhile to expand on what I have written in the book in a way that reveals the ongoing struggles that come with life on this earth and the strength to endure that comes from our Lord. I have written of success as something defined by Him and not by us. I am determined that His view is the only one that matters to me. We all know that’s easy to say and hard to live.

I finished the book just as I began a new job. It had been my hope that I might use the free time granted me by the severance package I had from my previous employer to build up the church, and maybe start a new career, but I had no clear vision of what that looked like. When the end of the severance payments drew near, I fell back on what I knew and took a job as a contract programmer. I had a peace about it. Our tithes are a significant part of the churches income. The best thing I could do for the church at that time was to return to work and keep the money flowing.

The past month has brought new challenges. My wife, Linda, had a fall, cut her head, and ended up in a rehab hospital. Her care has become increasingly difficult, and I knew we could not keep going as we were. This incident forced the issue. She’s back home now, and we are trying to figure out how to adapt to a new reality and wondering how long until it changes again. My last contract ended, and the bills are starting to arrive.

She came home last Friday. She has not been able to attend church in person for some time, but we broadcast our messages through Facebook. She calls another member who feels that she cannot attend and they watch together. As long as I am not gone for more than a few hours, she has been fine by herself. However, that was not the case last Sunday, so soon after being discharged. We were planning on doing things as normal, but as it became apparent that she would not be alright left alone, I called off the service and stayed home with her. During the “pandemic”, we briefly did everything remotely, but I had just canceled my Zoom subscription to save money.

The week before, our treasurer informed the church that we were spending more than we take in, a situation we have not faced in decades. Due to her careful management, we are not in immediate peril, but it is a strong signal that things need to change if we are to keep the doors open.

In the past few weeks, I have paced the floor, prayed and cried. The emotions overtake me without warning, sometimes with no apparent provocation. Who am I to write about success? I seem to be failing at everything that matters to me, and as I understand it, to God. I grieve the suffering of my beloved, and I don’t see how this gets better. There is not one person in our congregation that isn’t suffering from something, and I grieve for them as well.

Yet in the middle of all of this, Holy Spirit speaks to me, and tears come to my eyes again as I reflect on His goodness. Everything that He has taught me remains true. If I look to myself, I am guaranteed to fail. If I look to Father, His strength will be shown in my weakness. I believe what He said. I know that He is doing a greater work than I can see from here. I know that I can trust Him. My success is still accessible, because it is in His hands, not mine.

In conclusion, I would like to share with you the message that I delivered to the church last time we met. It is part of a series on the book of John, but it has particular relevance to the things I have been speaking of here. It won’t be the most eloquent thing you ever heard, but it is a powerful illustration of the truth. I hope it will bless you as I was blessed in its preparation.